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Constipation of the Mind:Aerobic Triathlon Olympics
(10.23.06)
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This week’s edition of Constipation of the Mind was suppose to be on Grey’s Anatomy and my current observations of the characters and story line. In fact, there have been a few readers who have given me some very constructive ideas to write about that ranged from why Finn is the better choice to catholic guilt. But since to be complete, you have to be mentally ready to be completed which is a process that can’t be forced, the timing for putting my thoughts on the computer screen is not right and so Grey’s Anatomy will be examined next time … I hope … when I’m ready … because you just can’t force it.
Over the past couple of weeks I have religiously embarked on my favorite past time … the stair master. I have come to realize the stair master is better than a pet, an imaginary friend, or two scoops of peanut butter and chocolate ice cream … maybe one scoop. The stair master will never complain. It accepts you for who you are. It is always ready for more. It builds yourself esteem. And it is more reliable than Faith’s dog taking an extra long dump at the play ground.
So as I was climbing this morning I thought I should give my respects to the stair master and its inventor Arthur Jones … after all the stair master has carved my athletic body and given me the confidence to stick my head up when ever I am down. But how do you give respect to a machine? How do appropriately thank what could be the greatest fitness invention ever? One that is better than the treadmill … (could give you shin splints and sucks if you have plantar-faciatis) … the elliptical … (very close second but doesn’t give you the same sweat as the stair master) … or the ab roller … (we all know no matter how many crunches you do you’ll never get the six pack if you haven’t been in shape, crunching, or exercising since you were young … what you get is the gigantic but firm military ab that is as solid as a frozen snicker bar and like the snicker bar if you leave it out long enough it will turn to geww.)
So after the first half hour of the second session in between Eminem’s “An Ass Like That” and Keb Mo’s “I’m Amazing” on my IPOD, I thought of the proper way to introduce the beauty of the stair master … create an Olympic Sport!
For those of you who don’t know, I have experience creating Olympic caliber sports. I invented the Olympic sport of team handball … not my brother, friends, or parents. In the summer of 1983, my parents bought my brothers and I a mini soccer goal and ball. Quickly our kicking turned to running, tackling, and throwing the ball into the goal. We established such rules as having the ability to bounce the ball as well as carry the ball, however you couldn’t do either one for more than a few steps. We drew a line around the goal where as a scorer you were not allowed in the goalie box. This prevented the unwarranted tackling, body slamming, biting, and physical play that occurred when you knew there was no way, absolutely no way your brother was going to score on you. And if he did it was a miraculous fluke where the sun got in your eyes, you were distracted with the crowd noise of your mom yelling to get inside, and the next door neighbor’s foaming mouthed dog was flying over the fence in what appeared to be an attempt to eat you.
And so during the summer of ‘83 in a San Francisco back yard, team handball was invented.
That was a good summer … only time I had to go to summer school but still a good summer. However, the following summer was not so good. While watching television, OUR sport … team hand ball … was being played in the 1984 Olympic Games in LA. And during the 15 minutes of high lights they NEVER MENTIONED ITS FOUNDER only that it was invented in Europe … last I checked my back yard was located on 755 33rd, SAN FRANCISCO, CA in the USA and not EUROPE! Coincidence? NO! I have reason to believe the French kid who went to the French speaking only school, who had no friends, and whose back yard was next to ours had written down our rules, dimensions, and ideas and sent them to some European game maker with a lot of influence. Worse off, he sold it as his own. He probably made over a million dollars and continues to make money off of team hand ball’s royalties. We never let him play … he barely could speak English, he didn’t go to our school, and he just sat around his house looking at us through his window. And he was French.
So I am making this an official proposal … “I, Antonio Veloso (unofficial inventor of Team Hand ball), propose the Stair Master to be introduced as an exhibition Olympic Sport for the 2008 summer games in Beijing with all intentions to introduce Aerobic Machine Triathlon with Brian Faith as a fellow inventor for the 2012 summer games in London.”
The Aerobic Triathlon will consist of a 10 mile Elliptical glide on the rolling hills course level 13 out of a possible 24, followed by a 8 mile stair master climb on fat burner plus level 13 out of a possible 15, and 15 mile run on the treadmill with an incline of 2.0 for effect.
Because one of the essential parts of working out is to get your clothing soaked enough that it peels off like a second layer of skin, where every inch of clothing not only turns a darker color of its original but to the point where you can ring out the sweat, participants uniforms will be weighed before and after each event. At the end of the race, the sweat calculation will be equivalent to minutes to be subtracted from their total time. Essentially those athletes who are able to sweat the most, to the point where there is not only a lake underneath the machines but areas of their shorts have changed color will be valued more than those who are merely fit and athletic. Again, the stair master like most aerobic fitness machines accept and is willing to accept anyone at anytime.
Rules / Regulations / Comments:
1) Uniforms can be long sleeved and made out of any type of fabric.
2) Uniforms are weighed pre and post wet.
3) To prevent the pouring of water and other liquids on ones uniform as well as to prevent rust and possible electrical malfunctions on the machines no liquids can be drank unless you step off the machine (turn off the power) and are observed by an Olympic Aerobic Machine Triathlon Official (OAMTO).
4) All machines must be provided by the designated site’s Official Olympic Aerobic Triathlon Course Supervisor (OOATCS) and be inspected prior to all races by the Official Olympic Aerobic Triathlon Engineers (OOATE). There will be no exceptions.
5) Currently there are no plans to introduce Aerobic Machine Triathlon as a Special Olympic Sport but will accept proposals to assist and allow for those who are disabled to participate in Aerobic Machine Triathlon in the Special Olympics.
In officially proposing the stair master as the first portion of the conception of an Olympic sport, I hope to introduce everyone to the beauty, power, and efficiency of the Stair Master. In my 7 years of trying to perfect the art of utilizing the stair master on fat burner plus level 13, I have been able to climb out of every personal and emotional situation while also building my self esteem, developing stronger more defined calves that Johnny Drama would kill for, and testing a mental toughness that blocks out negative feeling and emotions. The stair master has been the one constant in managing emotions during stressful situations. In introducing the Aerobic Machine Triathlon, we would be thanking Arthur Jones for inventing what could be the single greatest aerobic machine … the Stairmaster.
Any questions and comments regarding the Aerobic Machine Triathlon can be emailed and will be answered in the order that it is received.
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A DimBulb can Light Up a Room Too ...
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